More Than a Modicum of Levity?

I generally hate, and I do mean hate (even eschew!), jokes of this kind - the type that are almost certainly set-ups. The ' students' ' handwriting just shouts 'ADULT!!!'

After I'd pee-ed my pants over the first few, I overcame myself (!), thought 'What the heck!' and went about posting ...












To be roaring away with tears running down my face, I either have a very 'low' (said in the approved Bette Midler manner of 'Divine Madness') sense of humour or I'm in a very strange mood tonight.

Neither option seems particularly attractive!!!

A Dog, A Squirrel and a Panther

One day an old German Sheppard starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Sheppard thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says 'Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!

Moral

Don't mess with the old dogs.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition!

Ready for Your Dosing?

Elsa Maxwell doing what she did best, with William Rhinelander Stewart and Cole Porter (right)

Think it's time for a dose of levity and it seems to me that Elsa Maxwell (1883-1963), American gossip columnist, author, songwriter, and international high society party giver and hostess, can supply us a few reasonably solid one-liners.

Bores put you in a mental cemetery while you are still walking.

I make enemies deliberately. They are the sauce piquante to my dish of life

Under pressure, people admit to murder, setting fire to the village church or robbing a bank, but never to being bores.

A bore is a vacuum cleaner of society, sucking up everything and giving nothing.

Someone said that life is a party. You join in after it's started and leave before it's finished.

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.

Not exactly roaring thigh slappers, but Maxwell's quips make me smile gently and contentedly! It's the 'Oh yes!' factor.

Elsa Maxwell Learns to Bull-Fight

A fun light read when I was a kid was her autobiography, 'I Married the World', which gives a pithy and witty insider's view of the jet set before there were jets.

Old Is When ...

Rembrandt Study of an Old Man in Profile c 1630

Old is when ...

Yours friends compliment you on your new alligator skin shoes ... and you're barefoot.

Your boyfriend says 'Let's go upstairs and make out' and you reply 'Pick one, I can't do both'.

A hot guy catches your attention ... and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'Getting a little action' means you don't need any fibre today.

You're not sure these are jokes.

Though I suspect old is when you can laugh heartily and in good spirits when you read jokes like these!

Getting In

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble ... .

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book . . .

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said.

'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind'.

A Few More Dorothy Parkerisms

Frustration

If I had a shiny gun,
I could have a world of fun
Speeding bullets through the brains
Of the folk who give me pains

Or if I had some poison gas
I could make the moments pass
Bumping off a number of
People whom I do not love

But I have no lethal weapon
Thus does Fate our pleasure step on!
So they still are quick and well
Who should be, by rights, in hell

Classic Dorothy Parker.

I've posted on this central denizen of the Algonquin Hotel - more than once - but I couldn't quite resist another. I'm downing my first coffee of the day and needed something of her sort to sort me out.

And so moving on to a few witty maxims - should there be any other kind!

[1] If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me ... .

[2] Someone told Dorothy that Claire Boothe Luce was even kind to her inferiors; Parker replied "Where does she find them?"

[3] Suggested for her tombstone "This is on me"

[4] It's like meeting God without dying

[5] A girl's best friend is her mutter

[6] With the crown of thorns I wear, why should I bother with a prick like you

[7] I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it

[8] Scratch an actor and find an actress

[9] This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly
It should be thrown with great force

[10] Sorrow is tranquillity remembered in emotion

[11] If all the girls who attended Yale prom were laid end to end,
I wouldn't be a bit surprised

[12] 'Too fucking busy and visa versa'
(To an editor pressing for a late article)

And to finish up an oldie and a goodie ...

I like to have a Martini,

Two at the very most.

After three I'm under the table,

After four I'm under my host!

Ok, now I'm really well set up for the day!

Any of these favourites of yours?

All in the Timing

This morning, I was watching this little clip of W C Fields being 'interviewed' on set some time in the 1930s.

The interviewer makes almost all of the jokes and Fields mostly just reacts - with a noise or a few words. Often drawled out in his inimitable style - way beyond what you'd think was humanly possible.

And it suddenly occurred to me - with no little surprise - that I was roaring with laughter ... in response to the great comic!

The clip is hilarious at the end where Fields feigns awkwardness at being the seeming butt of all these jokes, with an abrupt ...

'Let's get on with the script ... I've gotta work'

Followed, in a perplexed and pondering tone, with ...

'You bring up the funniest things'

It's all in the timing!

Dame E at Her Very Best

It seems to me that Dame E is at her very best in the short mostly scripted comedy festival format.

Of course, there are hallmarks of her full one-woman stage shows - such as the interaction with a single member of the audience.

This usually begins with some pretty subtle (and scary) scanning of the front few rows - left ...


... and right ...


... until a suitable victim is spied ...


... at which point, an expression of devilish delight usually passes over the face of the demonic Dame ...


The doomed soul is seized on in a pythonesque and unreleasing grip ...


... and lured into participating in their own public humiliation and destruction ...


... which they usually do with good humor ...


Watching the video, I realized I hadn't remembered how pants-wettingly funny Dame E's slow and exaggerated facial freeze expressions could be ...






So enjoy ...

... as I will cos I think I'll just look at it one more time ... or two ... or five ... .

States of Mind

I suspect this post says something bout my state of mind today - variation, of course, being a good thing!




And says something about my admiration for cartoonist Michael Leunig.

What You'd Do for Love

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. The convict gets back into bed, handcuffs the wife to the bedposts, gets on top of her and begins kissing her on the neck. Then he gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife "Listen, this guy must be an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain - just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife replies: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too!"

Your Periodic Dose of Levity - To Keep You 'Regular'

FIRST SPOON FULL

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SECOND SPOON FULL

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

THIRD SPOON FULL

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

FOURTH SPOON FULL

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

FIFTH SPOON FULL

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SIXTH SPOON FULL

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

NB: SOME DOSES ARE LESS EFFICACIOUS THAN OTHERS!

The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny and Other Such Things

A father asked his 10-year old son 'Do you know about the birds and the bees?'

'I don't want to know' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Please promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked 'Why, what's wrong?'

The boy sobbed 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.'

'At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.'

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.'

'If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Bailey Does His Special Thing on 'Letterman'

Now this is very sweet and (for me at least) very funny - so we'll have no 'Comments' about the 'low' nature of my sense of humour!

It involves the canine Bailey and his unnamed (Chris Evans-ish) side-kick ...


Here we go then ...

Okay, nice 'Comments' are now required!

Yet Another (Small) Dose of Levity

LOL!

Self-deprecation is the best form of antidote!

A Ghost in the Machine

When they finished filming a car advertisement in the UK recently, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. He then found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot.

The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.

Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road.

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist?

What do you think?

:> ... Sorry

A Post-Cho Dose of Levity

Alan in Florida sent me some mostly more than decent one-liners - so I thought I'd spread the word(s) - well, the best ones - and give them a gay spin:

1. When I was born I was given a choice - a big dick or a big brain. I don't remember which I chose.

2. Impotence is Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'.

3. There are two words your boyfriend/partner doesn't want to hear - 'Don't' and 'Stop'. Unless you put them together.

4. There are generally three stages in a gay guy's sex life:

• Tri-weekly
• Try Weekly
• Try weakly
  

5. Virginity has a cure.

6. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

7. An Australian kiss is like a French one - but down under. (TRUE! Is there another kind?!)

8. Why do gay guys find it hard to make eye contact? Cos crotches don't have eyes.

The totally unrelated header photo of Chris Russell was obviously just an attempt to get your attention!

In case you were in any doubt, it is not an image of Alan or I - though you might want to disagree?

Gotta Be One of the Funniest People on the Planet!

What I love about Margaret Cho is that she's really in my world - it's the issues she takes on , the quirky very-on-the-edge sense of humour, the lack of any fained prudery ... .

And that FACE ...


... that would have me paralytic even if she were only reading the phone book ... in a quiet voice ... to herself ... in an elevator!

And that TIMING ... she can do the long long pause that's needed to get the audience quite quiet ... and desperately ready for more. No nasty rushing on and loosing the comic tempo.

Absolutely nothing more needs be said - just 'Heeeeeere's Margaret!'

And don't you just love the feeling of no compromise what-so-ever for a wider and more popular success!

One of the Best Advertisements Ever

This must be one of most surprising and creative ads I've ever seen - the real test for me is do I still like it after the fifth viewing!

No further comment needed.

Like it?

You've probably seen it and loved it already!

Some Public Signs - A Bit (or a Lot) of Levity

Absolutely no commentary needed.

But comments welcome!